Hey God…Get Ready

When I was a little girl I would carefully plan the way in which I would ask my mom for things.  I would make sure that she had had a good day, that she was done making dinner, and that the dishes were done.  I wanted her to not be too tired, not to be headed out the door to a church meeting, and certainly not dealing with the prolific nonsense that my brother was always hurling at her.  I would carefully practice my language and craftly align the words so that I didn’t sound too desperate, too needy or somehow ungrateful for something I’d already been given.  I knew that I had to wait for just the right time, use just the right words, be prepared to support my request with a dissertation of information, and be ready to counter her refusal with a lesser request.  I asked with the anticipation of being shut down.  Sometimes my “ask” was easily granted and sometimes my “ask” was refused without further discussion.

I can’t help but wonder if I treat my prayer life in the same way that I would treat my mom.  When I pray, I pray small, I prepare a list of reasons I should have what I’m asking for, and truthfully I provide God with a reason that He may tell me no. I pray apologetically.  I’m praying with the small minded illusion that He may in fact need my Grace for something that He isn’t answering.  God doesn’t need my grace.  What He does need is my fearless faith.  He needs me to pray big, to pray with the expectation that I will be answered and with insistence that He fulfills the promises that He makes to us.

I don’t need to set up the right time to ask, or set up the right circumstances.  I don’t need to practice designing a tapestry of worthy words that explain my circumstances or prepare my prayer time with special music, mood lighting or any other logistical nonsense.  I need to pray with faith.  A faith so real that I am living my life exposed and vulnerable where I find myself in a position that if God doesn’t come through, I will be in trouble.  Pure faithful prayer is about giving up my control, giving up my need to understand, and giving up my protective shell that keeps me safe from rejection.  Pure faithful prayer requires that we trust our God who wants to bless us and we hold him to His promises.  Pure faithful prayer is about knowing that God wants the big ask, so God today…get ready.

“Ask, and it will be given to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you.  Everyone who asks will receive. The one who searches will find. The door will be opened to the one who knocks. Suppose your son asks for bread. Which of you will give him a stone? Or suppose he asks for a fish. Which of you will give him a snake?  Even though you are evil, you know how to give good gifts to your children. How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”  Matthew 7:7-11

Weighty

I belong to multiple gyms.  It’s not that one gym isn’t enough for me, but I’ve become a bit of a gym snob over the years and want a little bit of everything.  I want everything without paying the “everything” price.  Is that so wrong?  One gym I belong to has a pool, a suana, spinning classes, an indoor running track, basketball, raquetball and a special theater room that plays movies in the dark while you work out. BUT, it closes early, has restricted hours and isnt always easy to get to.  The other gym is open 24/7, has all new equipment, everything has my favorite color purple, has bagels the first Tuesday of the month and pizza the first Monday of the month…and no scale.  There is no scale at the gym.

I know that I need a scale.  I need something to remind me that I’m on track or…woooaaaahhh….slow your roll.  The scale has been my best friend and my worst enemy.  But what it is…unapologetically honest.  Now I know all the tricks of weigh yourself in  the morning before you eat, don’t wear clothes, make sure you weigh yourself the same time everyday, but honestly…the scale doesn’t care.  It just spits out truth.  And today’s truth is that I need to get it together.

I need to remind myself to make all those choices that took me from 387 pounds to 111 pounds to a more reasonable 150 pounds.  Today I’m not there. Not 387, not 111, not 150.   I will be 150 pounds again, but today I’m not.  I worry that people I work with will not find me as reliable because of my weight, that my children will think of me as a failure, and that my boyfriend will not be attracted to me.  I worry about all those things, but mainly I worry that I just don’t measure up.  That I have just failed.  Today I just worry.

Maybe I have been living a facade.  Maybe I have been pretending to masquarade as something beautiful and well adjusted and okay.  But the scales of life say otherwise.  They say I need love…compassion…support..less chardonnay…and a rice cake.  Maybe today I just acknowledge that the weighty  truth is…weight matters.  It matters to me.  It matters how I feel and how I view who I am.

Today I’m praying that I can find a balance.  Something between eat everything and the laxative diet.  Today I pray for all women who know that that number on the scale and how your jeans fit matter and yet it doesn’t determine your worth.  Today I thank all those boyfriends and husbands who say I love you and want you no matter what, and the friends and colleagues who say that your worth is not determined by that number.  Today, I pray that God gives me the strength and vision for something better.  Today, I fall at the mercy of grace. Today, I acknowledge that I need to change.  I need to transform.  I’m a work in progress.